Got a toothbrush?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
