If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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