Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
