You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
