Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I want to fling myself into the sun
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
