I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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