look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
