I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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