Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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