Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
