Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
