You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
