Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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