So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
