I hate your face
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
