I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
