please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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