Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's blow job season.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
