Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
