I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
