I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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