His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
