I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
