I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
