At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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