i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
its not stalking. its research.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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