Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She tied me up with her honor cords...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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