first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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