Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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