is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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