You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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