Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
