hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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