i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.