You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
