Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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