wrigley field is MILF paradise
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
