I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
