Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
