I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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