the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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