I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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