i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
