I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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