I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
