i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
