i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
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I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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