life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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