She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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