when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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