I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Randomize
