New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
