On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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