Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
