Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
