i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
