My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
