This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You brought string cheese to the strip club
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
