We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
