Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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