Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Randomize
